Processing the process

I have officially reached the 1 month mark in my new life as a midwifery student. It has not been comfortable. I've protested and struggled with a clash of philosophy. The night before I started, I felt as though birth was imminent. It lasted about a week. I was excited! And then, very suddenly, I resented the inside baby - the one I had hopped and dreamed for, the one whose perfection aggressively turned to imperfection. Then by the end of week two I cried uncontrollably. I felt I needed to purge. I felt I was loosing myself. My identity. I felt like at 25 I had finally come to know myself and actually like me. Enjoy me. Be comfortable with me. When suddenly, I had to give myself up. I felt there was no other way to get through this program but to surrender to it. And for a while that felt very oppressive and unlike anything I could ever expect Midwifery to feel like. I mourned the way I have in the past during funerals. It was all very bizarre. Finally, finally. I've found a way to be at peace with the imperfections of post legislation midwifery in Ontario.

The funny thing is, I was warned that I would feel this way. But I refused to believe it. I thought: Hell no! I won't feel that way! Are you crazy?! I will be so happy to finally have the priviledge to study, to become. I accepted and embraced the fact that midwifery has become a profession paid for by our health care system. I felt it only made sense that midwifery mainstream into the everyday life of our culture and be standardized via formal education.

I still believe that. But something is missing. Something I expected would be here that just isn't. Academia does not teach the art of midwifery. I don't know why I thought it would. I was naive to think so.

So I've come to terms with the fact that the MEP is 1/3 of my education and the rest is up to me to complement. It took realizing that and being at one with that notion to be okay with things.