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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Processing the process

I have officially reached the 1 month mark in my new life as a midwifery student. It has not been comfortable. I've protested and struggled with a clash of philosophy. The night before I started, I felt as though birth was imminent. It lasted about a week. I was excited! And then, very suddenly, I resented the inside baby - the one I had hopped and dreamed for, the one whose perfection aggressively turned to imperfection. Then by the end of week two I cried uncontrollably. I felt I needed to purge. I felt I was loosing myself. My identity. I felt like at 25 I had finally come to know myself and actually like me. Enjoy me. Be comfortable with me. When suddenly, I had to give myself up. I felt there was no other way to get through this program but to surrender to it. And for a while that felt very oppressive and unlike anything I could ever expect Midwifery to feel like. I mourned the way I have in the past during funerals. It was all very bizarre. Finally, finally. I've found a way to be at peace with the imperfections of post legislation midwifery in Ontario.

The funny thing is, I was warned that I would feel this way. But I refused to believe it. I thought: Hell no! I won't feel that way! Are you crazy?! I will be so happy to finally have the priviledge to study, to become. I accepted and embraced the fact that midwifery has become a profession paid for by our health care system. I felt it only made sense that midwifery mainstream into the everyday life of our culture and be standardized via formal education.

I still believe that. But something is missing. Something I expected would be here that just isn't. Academia does not teach the art of midwifery. I don't know why I thought it would. I was naive to think so.

So I've come to terms with the fact that the MEP is 1/3 of my education and the rest is up to me to complement. It took realizing that and being at one with that notion to be okay with things.


  • At 9:47 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think I hear what you're saying. I've thought about becoming a midwife, but a good friend of mine who had all four of her children with midwives (two pre-legislation & 2 post) has said that I would struggle with the legalities of it all which exist now. *sigh* I'm glad that you're finding a way for it to work for you.

  • At 10:16 p.m., Blogger Birthyourway said…

    Hi Sarah!
    I always wanted this blog to just be positive and thought, maybe I shouldn't post about this here. But then I though why am I censoring myself? This process has been a challenge for me no doubt about it. Even so, I never felt like the challenge wasn't worth it. If anything, I feel all the more motivated to get this show on the road and become a midwife.
    It's strange feeling more distanced from midwifery now that I am a student midwife than I did before. I just wanted this feeling to have a voice since I have yet to come accross it anywhere else from student midwives.
    I still love midwifery and would never want to scare anyone away from it!

  • At 10:32 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm not scared off.... just waiting for the time to be right. :) I'm glad you could be honest about more than just "the class work is hard" portion of midwifery education in Canada.

  • At 11:06 a.m., Blogger Sunshine said…

    So much of what you say echoes into my world right now! Are you sure we are not in the same school? No we are not physically I think, but in the same process. So glad I found you, I think I will link to you if that is ok?

  • At 1:44 p.m., Blogger Birthyourway said…

    Hi Sunshine! I love that blogger can bring us together. So far away yet so closely related. I look forward to reading your blog ;)

  • At 1:47 p.m., Blogger Birthyourway said…

    Hi Rachel,
    Thank you for your comment (I won't post it since it's too personal). I appreciate your kind words. Please say hello to everyone for me!

  • At 1:34 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I feel some of what you're saying because next year I'm hoping to start my studies and some of these things are tough for me to accept against the grain.


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